Today, I Put My Name on the List

I have written about so many people.

People I love.
People I miss.
People who stayed.
People who left.
People who became stories.

Funny, isn’t it?

For someone who writes so much, I have rarely written about me.

Maybe because I have always been busy being something to someone.

A daughter. A wife. A mother. A friend.

And quite often, the person people call when life gets messy.

I have listened patiently to heartbreaks, fears, anger and agony — sometimes on repeat. 😄

I have kept secrets, dried tears, given shoulders, offered advice and, when there were simply no words, just stayed.

I have said “I’m here” more times than I can remember.

And I meant it every single time.

But somewhere in all that showing up, I forgot to show up for one person.

Me.

Even my prayers had a waiting list.

My children first.
My husband.
My mother.
My family.
My friends.

I would stand before God carrying everyone’s names…

except my own.

Until recently.

These days, I have started slipping my name into my prayers too.

Keep me healthy.
Keep me peaceful.
Keep me happy.
Let me become the best version of myself.

It felt strange at first.

Almost selfish.

And then I wondered—

Why should loving myself be the only kind of love I need to feel guilty about?

So this birthday, I don’t want anything that can be wrapped.

I want me.

A healthier me.
A happier me.
A peaceful me.
A me who still loves fiercely, but doesn’t disappear while doing it.

I will still answer the calls.

Still offer the shoulder.

Still worry after saying, “Don’t worry.”

Still pray for everyone I love.

That’s who I am.

But there is one small difference now.

My name stays on the list.

And sometimes, it will even come first.

Not because I love anyone less.

But because I finally understand that I cannot endlessly pour from myself and expect never to run dry.

I need to be filled with love to pour love.

So today, without guilt and without apology…

I choose myself.
Sometimes even over others.
And that isn’t selfish.

It is self-love.

It is self-preservation.

Perhaps, it is finally growing up.

Because I have spent years becoming the person so many others could lean on.

Now I want to become someone I can lean on too.

And if there is one gift I want from this birthday, it is this—

to meet, love and live the best version of me.

For once, this Abstract isn’t about anyone else.

This one has my name on it.

And today, I say something I usually wait for everyone else to say to me…

Happy Birthday to me. ❤️

May this be the year I love the woman I have become as fiercely as she has always loved everyone else.